Reflections After Parents' Weekend; or, On Raising an Independent Daughter

Last weekend Sam and I missed the unseasonable snow in NYC because we were enjoying the 85-degree temperature at Occidental College in Los Angeles, where Holly is a freshman. We hadn’t seen our daughter since late August, so I had been counting the days until Parents’ Weekend.Seeing Holly in person confirmed what we had gathered from far too few phone calls and texts: she is wildly happy, she reports that the work is not as challenging as what she faced at Nightingale, she appears to be eating without my nagging, and she has already made some terrific friends who joined us for a dinner out. As happy as I was for her, I had the uncomfortable sensation that I wasn’t needed.

A few days of reflection has softened that sensation, as I have come to realize that Holly’s not needing me (at least on a daily basis) is the desirable outcome of good parenting—combined with 13 years of a Nightingale education that was topped off with superb college counseling. She is not only ready and well prepared for college, she is independent. And believe me, I’d be a lot more uncomfortable if she were homesick and not adjusting well to Oxy. She still needs me, but just in a different, less dramatic, way from when we shared almost every day together.

So, what does my revelation have to do with current Nightingale parents as you navigate your daughter’s journey through the Lower, Middle, and Upper Schools? For most of you, the college counseling process is still years away, but that won’t stop me from offering some advice from the other side:

1. Trust your daughter and let her own the process of college selection. (And a word to the wise: if you don’t want her to be 3,000 miles away, don’t take her on a college tour of California campuses on a gorgeous, sunny weekend!) Over and over again, I had to learn that this process was Holly’s and not mine. I took her to my college alma mater on two different occasions, hoping that she’d want to apply, and she rightly concluded that the campus was too big for her taste. She knew all along what she wanted, and I could have saved a lot of heartache if I had trusted in her judgment all along.
2. Revel in the girl she is right now, not who you might want her to be, and be proud of her. I always return to the sage advice of Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and The Blessing of a B-minus: raise the daughter you have, not the one you wanted to have. Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair just led a session for parents on this topic, and even the best parents need to be reminded of this over and over again. At a special evening for new parents at Nightingale, I often tell the story of how Holly didn’t love to read, at least in her formative years. This was particularly hard for me, because I am an English teacher who reads all the time. It used to bother me so much that I almost failed to notice how much pleasure and success she found in puzzles, tangrams, and solving spatial relations problems. The end result? She is currently breezing through advanced calculus and plans on taking economics, two subjects I wouldn’t go near in college.
3. Pray that your spouse will be more level-headed than you if you lose your way at times. All my college counseling experience didn’t count for much when it came to my own daughter. It was difficult to take the advice I had been liberally dispensing to senior parents for years. Thankfully, Sam did take the advice and let Holly lead the process and could tell me to get out of the way when I tried to control things. This advice, of course, works for parents at all stages of your daughter’s development well before the college process begins.
4. Enjoy the journey. Our best family vacations ended up being visits to colleges in the South and the West. Even the colleges that were marked off the list served a useful process, as Holly became more focused on what she wanted in a college. And the funny happenings—remember that creepy inn in ___? What about that insane tour guide at ___?—become the stuff of family legend. There is also one huge advantage in accompanying your daughter on her visits: she is stuck with you in the car and must communicate with you! We had some wonderful talks about non-college items while driving between campuses. When you go on the tours, however, let your daughter ask the questions and keep silent. And remember Mrs. Mansfield’s excellent advice of “wait time” when your daughter shares something; let your daughter give her opinions first without offering yours. Your own likes and dislikes may be quite different from hers, and a careless judgment tossed out after a campus visit can sabotage her selection process.
5. Trust Nightingale, just as you have throughout your daughter’s educational experience at Nightingale. Ms. Beveridge and Holly’s teachers knew her extremely well and were able to help her sort through her options when it came to making a college list, essay-writing, filling out applications, and ultimately deciding amongst her acceptances. In fact, it was Ms. Beveridge’s suggestion to look at Oxy. As an old college counselor, I have seen almost every college and university in the country but somehow had missed Oxy and the Claremont Colleges, which ultimately rose to the top of her list.
6. Try not to miss a minute! Put away your iPhone or Blackberry and pay attention to your daughter’s developing tastes and interests. You will never regret missing a business call, but you just might regret not spending more time with your daughter who is growing up all too fast. Sam and I are still amazed with how quickly our 13-year journey at Nightingale passed by. Have fun on the ride!

—Dorothy A. Hutcheson, Head of School